How to Solve a Feud with Family
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Be a Mole!
I firmly believe that solving a family feud is a losing battle, but if one must intervene, you do have some options.
The best solution is to figure out the root of the problem. Are we dealing with a personality conflict? Was someone wronged in some way? Is there an addiction problem? Whatever the feud is, get to the root of it because at the root is where you'll find the solution.
If there are petty arguments between adult siblings, for example the root of the problem could be unresolved sibling rivalry. If that is true, confront it...but do it gently. Work slowly to rebuild relationships that might have gone awry.
Forgive a little, too. Why hold grudges for so long? Understand that people make mistakes. People also grow up. My brother is a very differetn person today than he was at 9 years old. Families really need to forgive a little. All parties involved need to clear the air, be honest about what caused the feud, what adds to the feud, and so on. They should open up about it separately, though.
The best way to figure out what's happening without stirring more of a ruckus is to use a single "angel mole." I'm the angel mole in my family. What do I mean? I listen to both sides very carefully, then offer advise to them both without mentioning the feud. I introduce topics deliberately at times to listen to both sides of the argument. I do this with each person separately, so they don't know that I'm intervening. Then, I swap back and forth (this takes a while) and give them both suggestions on how they can resolve some problems if they mention the topic.
For example, my sister might say that my brother is always so insensitive. I know that this is just my brother's personality, so I mention to my sister to not take it so personally. Then, I'll talk to my brother about a different topic (a job interview perhaps), and when I find a chance to work it into our discussion, I will tell him that he might want to consider rephrasing some of what he says to improve the way people see him. He soon starts to change his behavior, and soon my sister complains less that my brother is being mean. This sounds childish in this example, but it works.
You must never let them know you are the mole, and you have to vow to work to create harmony in the family. If you choose a side, you all lose.
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Great advice. I think I'll try that with my sons. They don't fight any more, at least not like they used to. But I think I can use your "mole" trick to affect other important decisions they will be making in the near future. Thanks for the words. SK
I have been in a drawn-out fued with my mother, and younger sister, for nearly 2 years now. My mother is 78 and I am 52 years of age. It started when my mother made a couple of very nasty accusations towards me and it hurt so much because I had been the one member of the family who would always drop everything to help her and my late father out. For a long time I just stayed away, as you would, and all the while my sister was making the situation worse by egging mum on. She was "fuelling the fire" so to speak. Both of them have become very bitter and twisted people and the idea of me even being in their presence is nauseating to me. A few days ago I bit the bullet and attended a Mother's Day lunch which my older brother and his wife had organised and it went quite badly. Mum just wouldn't speak to either me, my husband or my youngest son and when we got up to leave started on at us for not having seen her for so long. It has become clear to me that even though I am the one who was originally hurt by mum and am prepared to forgive (but not forget) neither she nor my sister are prepared to move on. Sadly, they don't seem to understand that when mum is gone my sister will have become ostracised by both of her siblings. Sometimes family fueds just cannot be worked out but you just have to get on with your life, regardless.
If anyone has any experience with dealing with mother to daughter fights could you please give some information on how to solve them!
my family ffight all the time because of me
i make up lies
My own family never feud (thank goodness) but my inlaws are constantly feuding over something. They're a huge family and are very good at taking things up the wrong way! Members of the family might not talk for months, I just can't understand them!
Great first Hubs, Stacy!
Be sure to come introduce yourself in the Hubbers Hangout when you get a chance: http://hubpages.com/forum/1
stacyjwx Hub Author 3 months ago
I hope some of the advice can help despite knowing that not everyone can come out of these disagreements.